Do you think she's happy to have her daddy at home?
This was taken the Friday when Larry came home from the hospital. I hope you can see the relaxation and relief on her face. Daddy is OK is what her big blue eyes are speaking to me.
Larry came home Friday!!
We are all relieved. It was a long long week and full of twists. So many twists that I am still spinning!
We got Larry home on Friday, ate a quick lunch and then...
took a nap!
It was such an emotional relief that life was coming back to normal that all we could do was sleep!
Of course, for me that sleep was so good. It released a serious amount of stress I had been carrying all week. When I say it released it, I mean it released all th emotional tension during that sleep. I woke up with more exhaustion.
We took this picture as soon as we got home. Look at the little boy loving his Daddy being at home. Look at the other two..the exhaustion is setting in....
What was so tiring you ask?
The suprise of Sunday's surgery where it was discovered his abdomen was full of bile. It had to be cleaned out and the source of the leak found. Uncertain as if there would be an infection and giong through such a large surgery is stress enough. The proceedure took 2.5 hours. I sat in the waiting room for almost 4 hours before I could see him. I had wonderful people to keep me company during that time and take care of me. Bill was the perfect hero of the morning as he always jumps to play that role! He took one look at me and says something like 'wow you look like crap!' And trust me, he has seen me in all styles of living - with Bill, I can hold nothing back even if I wanted to hide. We just connect and there is no reason to hide. In his usual fashion - 'have you eat or slept?' WOW - he knows the answer to that - but it helps me realize how much I need to eat to keep going. 'no' was my answer, he immediately says 'what do you want, I am getting you food.' My response 'I want comfort food. I'll take some hardboiled eggs.'
That did it!
'are you kidding? that's all you want is hardboiled eggs? that's not comfort food!!!'
In my mind - that's exactly why I called you, you will know what I need, because right now my mind is numb to anything realistic and I am busy worrying....
Off he goes for food...next arrives my sweet friend Donna.
Donna has the opposite approach to Bill - 'how are you feeling?'
My response 'Scared shitless worried I won't have a husband.' By this time I was heading into pretty good meltdown and a nice state of shutting out the world. But Donna grabs me back with her questions and beautiful caring soul.
Bill arrives with food...and the grief about my hardboiled eggs starts between the two of them...it was so good to hear!!! Oh and just to give Bill extra credit - he brought back 2 pieces of pie!!! Of course, I immediately snap 'you're going to eat 2 pieces of pie? I can't have the sugar.' Of course, I needed to look at the top of the pie box to see he got sugar free pie in 2 flavors so I would have a choice..well OK now I feel like an ungrateful nerd...and I will publicly confess I needed that pie! The pie was great comfort food - the eggs were life sustaining, but the pie..now that was comfort food. Do you see why he has permanent hero status in my mind?
There are only 3 men in my life who hold permanent hero status - Larry, Quinten and Bill.
More friends arrive and I am beginning to return to normal and process the situation rationally. The community of ladies and Bill - yes he was the only man there in the sea of women. The unconditional support each of them brought set me up and lifted me up to make it through that moment and the week.
I wanted to share this with you because it was so critical as to why I have pulled through this event so well. Last time Larry went through a tramatic surgery I was in the same waiting room - alone for over 3 hours in the middle of the night. It was a scary place then and I was so alone. I don't do well alone - the fear will win when I am alone. Fear had no chance and no place to grab hold when I was surrounded by these amazing people.
Larry requested the I take the picture of his incision off the blog..I guess he's regained his sense of humanness that was lost in the hospital!! But his incision goes from chest to pubic bone - a huge verticle incision.
His incision tells the story of how hard he fought to be here with us. His body totally took him under attack and Larry fought back.
Hero status - in my mind, unquestionable.
Even when the morphine had a pretty good grip on the pain and his mind. He never waivered on the fact he had something to fight for...his family.
He is in fighting for his life and he is keeping his kids first in his mind. Don't get me wrong - I know he was fighting for me as well, but I was there with him - he could see in front of him what he was fighting for - but the kids were not present and unable to understand how perilous the fight was...
The exhaustion hit Saturday because while he was busy fighting for life, I was running to keep life floating between the hospital and home. The kids needed their mom and dad..and only mom was there. They were in shock. All I could do was give them that assurance they needed. I didn't need to tell them the details -they wouldn't understand. I wouldn't trade those days for anything. While I am in exhaustion from the hard work of it all - my mind says 'that was worth it and you made it'.
Like I said earlier, give me the survival to fight for and I will take the exhaustion on the back end..it's worth it.
Now you know why I couldn't write this for a couple of days afterward. I had to rest. My mind and body needed the rest so that I could go on and live for the next day and the next...
It is so worth the fight!
